11 Things Your Friends Should Have Warned You About Las Vegas

The Tips To Make Your Vegas Vacation That Much Better

••• Welcome to Las Vegas. Photo by Zeke Quezada

Real friends warn you when you might be in danger. Friends who take you to Las Vegas are more like family because they'll wait for you to blow it before they tell you why you should have avoided the mess you got yourself into.

Very recently I may or may not have been hit on by a very attractive woman who seemed genuinely interested in how my day was going. It was 9am. I was wearing my typical work uniform of wrinkled t-shirt, very worn board shorts and flip flops (yes, I do understand that I need a wardrobe overhaul).

I had the bed hair thing going on. And, I am little ashamed, I had put off a shower until after I took care of some work duties that required getting photographs of the Las Vegas hotel I was staying at.

So, was she hitting on me? My ego wants to believe that I still have it. My self esteem tells me that even with the scent of a concert and bourbon fresh on my body from a long night that this woman could see a diamond in the rough.

However, I am wrong. (Not about the diamond in the rough, my wife already spotted that thing)

This woman was not hitting on me, she was finishing up her shift and was trying to get one more customer before punching her own time clock. Hey, it’s Vegas, yes, prostitution does occur and no, it is not legal anywhere near the strip!

With that in mind I raced up to my room and put off a shower and began this list of things your friends need to warn you about in Las Vegas.

These are helpful hints that will help make your Las Vegas stay far better. They might seem male specific at times but they do fit more than just us guys who can forget to use our brains. Especially #8.

 

11 Tips To Make Your Vegas Vacation Better

 

1. Just because the drinks are free does not mean that you try to drink the town dry. How long have you been planning your trip to Las Vegas?

Do you really want to waste it? Moderation is key. There is nothing worse than not pacing yourself and ending up sick for two days while the rest of your group is having fun. While you sit at a table or at a slot machine the drinks are complimentary but try to keep in mind that the reason for that is so that you get nice and lubricated to gamble away more of your money.

2. The girls that seem like they are out of your league are probably on the clock. I just told you my story so you get a good idea of how it works. If you are at a bar and it is either very late or very early be aware of the hot girl who feels like she wants to talk to you. Is she being very friendly? Does she seem like she doesn’t mind that you are babbling about how you were so drunk that you split 10s earlier with a $50 bet on the line?  Prostitution is NOT LEGAL in Las Vegas. Yes, I know you have seen the reality shows with the brothels in Nevada. Those do exist but they are not on the Las Vegas strip.  You will go to jail if you get caught but even more serious is how dangerous that could possibly be. Don’t do it!  Wait…this is not all doom and gloom, go into any Las Vegas nightclub and mingle, the city has a reputation for some serious fun, there is a reason for that.

Meet someone at a club, have a few drinks, have some fun and you’ll have stories to tell the boys back home.

3. When walking along the Las Vegas strip it is not OK to take off your shirt.  This is a crime! I see this all the time as if we all need to see that you decided to go to the gym for two weeks before your Las Vegas vacation. Boys, you might not know this but you can get acne on your back and it is grossing all of us out. Also, the pale skin is blinding everyone around you. One more thing, if you just have to do it, if you feel like you must take your shirt off as you walk down the Las Vegas strip holding that giant Eiffel Tower slushy drink, please put on some sunscreen. I beg you!

4. Ladies, wear the shoes that will actually stay on your feet all night. Nobody wants to see you carrying the 4 inch heels while waiting for a taxi with filthy feet.

  This is not a pretty sight. Very attractive woman, looking very “Vegasy” and she is holding these super tall high heels in her hand. You know she looks good when she is wearing them but now she is 4 inches shorter and her legs look squatty and the bottom of her feet have all that casino carpet muck on them. Ugh. Not cool, don’t do it. Pack correctly and wear shoes that have the possibility of staying on all night.

5. When a cocktail waitress is being flirty with you it's because she really hopes you give her a big tip.  This happens all the time and I see guys try to be Trent (Swingers reference) They want to prevent their friends from talking about puppy dogs and ice cream in order to “hook up” with the cocktail waitress. Listen boys, these women are working. They work hard each and every day and the last thing they want is to “hook up” with some guy who thinks that a five dollar tip is going to get them drinks later on at Toucan Harry’s (Stardust reference)

6. That guy at the door of the nightclub doesn't really care about you unless you are bringing a few girls in instead of that group of guys you have. So you think you are a VIP? Sit down for this one. You are actually invisible unless you have a few women with you. I know, I have tried to walk up to a door guy an asked to go in and they give me a look as if I just asked them to borrow money. Of course, if I am dressed very nice they spend more time with me. If I have a name they listen more. If my name is on a list they direct me to the right place. Vegas clubs, what can you do? Can a group of guys get in to a Las Vegas nightclub?

7. You must sleep, 48 hours of non-stop party is not good for anyone. This is just common sense, we don’t need you to die of exhaustion in Las Vegas and frankly when you stumble past me with your beer at 8am I worry about you.  You spend a good chunk of money to get to Las Vegas so I understand you want to have fun but you have to sleep. Do it at the pool if you have to (don’t forget the SPF) but whatever you do get some rest!

8. Underwear is not optional. Does this sound crass? Far too often some young person is taking a quick nap on the cold concrete of a parking garage or the hallway outside of a hotel room with too much of them showing.  This is not a one time thing as I have seen this far too often. Some young party-goer has too much to drink and decides to take a quick break on the cold hard pavement. Well, you know what happens as too much of the sexy is showing and nobody wants to go near them to help them cover up. Before you know it your face is showing up on the Facebook feeds of Las Vegas locals.

9. The sun is not a good place to sleep if you forget to properly apply sunscreen. Don't do it, sleep in a bed and mingle at the pool.  Whatever you do, DO NOT FORGET SUNSCREEN! The sun will burn you and ruin your Vegas getaway. Ask a stranger to rub it on your back or have one of your friends do it.

10. There are rules in Las Vegas and if you break them you could end up in "casino jail." From what I am told, it is just as bad as real jail.  The resorts have their own security force and they will dictate if you go with the local authorities. They have the discretion to make these types of decisions. Now, the goal is to have fun and keep it together. Things happen and the best thing for you to do if you get in a situation where someone has placed bracelets in front of your back with your arms attached to them is to keep calm and try to get yourself out of casino jail without going to the city jail. Friends, do your best to convince the local security that you will get your obnoxious buddy off the property immediately.

11. Put your cash in your front pocket and keep the ATM card in your room. You really do not need to walk back to the machine to get more money after you split 8’s and lost your cash. If you are drinking you might be inclined to go chasing after lost money. Don’t do it. Find a bar and pay for a drink and you’ll be happier in the morning.

 

Does this sound like a lot of gloom and doom? Well, it is not. Las Vegas is a fun place to spend a few days taking your behavior to the edge of your comfort zone. As long as you take these few tips into consideration you should be fine.

The only tip you really need is to have fun and don’t drink or gamble too much.  Oh, yeah and drink plenty of water, it is a desert you know.

 

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